In these fractured times, it’s nice to know there is one thing Americans agree on.
No matter what region of this great country you live in, no matter what your political party affiliation, skin color, religion…when it comes to those neighborhood apps and websites, we share the same obsessions.
A brief search (because I really must get started sewing my wardrobe of gray “Martha” dresses for when the Supreme Court has a solid conservative majority) shows the following concerns test the collective mettle of our country’s neighborhoods. No matter where you live in the United States…
People have strong opinions about coyotes. With the exception of midtown Manhattan, this is a universally shared sorrow/joy if you are to believe Next Door correspondents. To be honest, there is some disharmony between the pro-coyote faction (“They were here first and they’re just trying to survive as we turn their habitat into another Home Depot” and the “but my cat…” camp.)
People really don’t like it when strangers walk down their street. A common thread, coast to coast, is “Did anyone see a young man wearing Bermuda shorts and a button-down shirt, black socks and what appeared to be Doc Martens (an odd choice considering this heat), walking on the sidewalk around noon?” Dozens of replies follow until someone finally says it’s her grandson visiting from Iowa and everyone else is all “Ohhhh. We’re sorry. We went full Gladys Kravitz on you but, really, you should’ve told us he was in town…”
Has anyone seen my cat/dog/parakeet/ferret/inflatable love doll…? Because they aren’t where they’re supposed to be so please keep an eye out. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with this at all, but I am saying that a lot of y’all really need to keep a better watch on your animals. First time? Sure. I’ll help tack up those posters on the utility pole. Third time? Build a fence. Everybody’s sick of dragging your dog back to your house. I speak for all of us. Seriously Sick of It.
“Has anyone seen a package addressed to me? I think it may have been delivered to the wrong address? I need my Crepe Erase, like, yesterday. Tinder date tonight! Fingers crossed!”
Package theft, mis-delivery and TMI are themes throughout this great land. We are all truly one when we say– actually scream– “Why do they always lean the heavy box against the front door when they know this will prevent me from being able to open the door?”
Does anyone have a house full of furniture they’d like to give me? This is usually death by a thousand cuts as in the SAME correspondent starting out by cheerfully asking for “free pots for my plants” and ending with “Will someone please give me the password to their ATM? It would be a huge help…”
Can anyone identify this snake??? (Southern states only.)
Please do not put political posts on this thread. This is only for complaints about packages, strangers, coyotes and…well, that’s about it.
Celia Rivenbark is a NYT-bestselling author and columnist. Visit www.celiarivenbark.com.