Back in the day, a “troll” was a mythical wild-haired creature who lived beneath bridges and spent his days scaring kids and taunting the likes of Three Billy Goats Gruff.
Today’s trolls have moved into mom’s basement where they spend the day cloaked in darkness, banging Cheeto-dusted fingers on sticky keyboards not because of any deeply held political convictions but because it beats real work.
I suspect just such a troll thought it would be fun to bombard me with pro-Trump merchandise offers.
Every day, sometimes several times a day, I am reminded via email of my enviable status as a “strong supporter of President Trump and House Conservatives.”
Ha. Lookie there. My fingers just fell off.
Yes, that was a hard sentence to type. Sometimes I feel the need to wash my eyes out with vodka after reading these emails but, mostly, they just make me chuckle. I mean, they’re soooo needy. Always having to be assured of my “GOP loyalty” and constantly being asked to put my money where my MAGA is.
My favorite appeal lately involves Trump’s commemorative coffee mug, which, I’m assured many times in many emails I must reserve in the next 24 hours or, I guess, my MAGA will fall off. The newest mug has a nifty flag motif with “I Stand With Trump” and “45” on the front.
“We can only set it aside for you for 24 hours,” I’m warned, noting that my acceptance of this amazing offer will confirm my patriotism as well as “help President Trump retake his conservative majority now!”
NOW? Is someone planning a coup to overtake the House of Representatives using proceeds from coffee mug sales to pay for it? Tsk tsk.
Mitch McConnell writes me often. Just last week, he begged me to send him $25 because “radical Democrats are raising millions and pulling out all the stops to make our country worse!” I’m no math whiz but I think $25 is aiming a little low.
McConnell said if I don’t donate now, “radical policies like the Green New Deal could be implemented.” Lord t’ mercy. Not a serious discussion about economic stimulus programs to address climate change and economic inequality! Not on my watch Mitch!
Perhaps because I live in North Carolina, Sen. Thom Tillis has also become a frequent correspondent, shrilly warning me I need to donate at least $35 (?) to avoid “the Socialist fantasy that will crush our middle class and aspiring entrepreneurs.”
I love the florid prose of these hand-wringing hardliners. Newt Gingrich, (R-Neptune) even has a super scary countdown clock on his fundraising email. If the clock gets to zero and the fundraising goal hasn’t been met, his big ol’ gray gourd is just going to explode off his neck parts. I’m guessing.
At last count, Gingrich reported just 2,385 more “patriots” are needed but I suspect some of them have already blown their money on Trump’s coffee mug. Mmmm. They just love the smell of autocracy in the morning.