WASHINGTON, D.C.—Today President Donald J. Trump made good on a longtime threat and gunned down someone on Fifth Avenue in New York City.
“I hadda do it,” Trump explained with a disarming grin and shrug of his powerful shoulders. During a hastily called press conference on the south lawn of the White House, Trump also revealed to reporters even though he had no travel on his calendar that morning, he insisted Marine One noisily hover several feet above the ground in the background during his remarks.
“I like the sound of the fast, turny things,” he said, lifting his chin skyward and staring into the sun. “They go zoom.”
The president explained the reasoning behind the shooting, which drew instant praise from Republicans in both houses of Congress.
Said Trump: “Many people have said, you know, Mr. President, I’ve always heard it said you could shoot someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and nobody would care. You wouldn’t lose a single voter. So, I thought to myself, why not?”
Republican members of Congress cheered the action as just one more illustration of a president who keeps his campaign promises even when they don’t appear to be popular or even remotely sane.
“If this doesn’t prove that he will go the extra mile, I don’t know what will,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “While some of the elite liberal left will protest the president’s decision to shoot someone in cold blood on such an iconic street, we salute his courage and initiative. He said he could do it, and, by golly, he did it.”
Only George Conway, a highly respected Republican attorney and D.C. insider who has been a frequent critic of the president, disagreed with Trump’s decision.
“He’s a dangerous nincompoop,” said Conway. “What’re ya gonna do?”
During the press conference, which lasted approximately four hours, Trump said his base has shown nothing but support for all his campaign promises and the slaughter of an innocent individual by a sitting president was “just the cherry on the pie.”
While the media tried to keep the president focused on the events leading to his decision to slay someone in broad daylight for no reason other than to rev up his base, Trump chose to jump off script and share thoughts on a number of topics:
“We are paying billions of tax dollars to our farmers to keep them from going under because of my tariffs,” said Trump. “And our coal miners, why are their faces so dirty?”
“Vladdie and I are working hand in hand to make sure sleepy Joe, Pocahontas and the gay guy don’t get anywhere near the White House, so there’s that…” he rambled.
“And the unborn? Who here is unborn? Nobody? Don’t be shy; raise your hand or nub. We love the unborn, don’t we?”
The identity of the shooting victim was not revealed at the press conference but, once made public, Vice President Mike Pence promised the family “thoughts, prayers and maybe a ham sandwich.”