To those of you who wonder (often using your outdoor voice, by the way) why I write so often about President Trump, let me give you a hint: He recently said Americans have to flush the toilet “10 to 15 times” because modern, low-flush toilets don’t work. This problem, which exists only inside Trump’s tortured noggin is what keeps the leader of the free world up at night. Toilets. That don’t work. Except they do. Really well.

    For those of you who missed it, let me explain. Trump went on one of his patented weird out-of-body ramblings the other day in which he said, “We’re looking very strongly at sinks and showers…people are flushing toilets 10, 15 times, as opposed to once…you can’t wash your hands so little water comes out…you have many states where they have so much water, it comes down—it’s called rain.”

    Yes, friends, that’s the President of the United States on water, rain and how dirty his hands are. But let’s not talk about Ukraine right now. Those of us who pay close attention to Trump’s tirades are used to his proclamations of something being “very strongly” looked into and usually we just snicker and move on but this? This created not a snicker but a full-on face-plant into some pretty decent penne with vodka sauce. Which is to say, do not listen to Trump while eating because it’s a choking hazard.

    I feel that very strongly.

    Trump, in remarks to a Small Business Roundtable at the White House last week added this gem regarding showers: “You turn the faucet on…and you don’t get any water…water comes dripping out, very quietly, dripping out.”

    Do what?

    Sorry. What I meant to say was DO WHAAAAAT?????

    Look, I get it. Water pressure is awesome. I stayed at an Air BnB recently where the shower pressure could best be described as “old man spitting onto sidewalk every 30 seconds.” But generally, this is pretty rare.

    What on earth is he trying to flush because please understand: If Trump gets all emo about a bigly problem, it’s something that personally affects him on the daily. Only things that cause Trump even a hint of personal woe are all that matter to him.

If it causes you pain in your daily life, well, that’s not going to make the cut in Trumpland. Say you have your food stamps slashed to the point you have to feed the kids mustard sandwiches for dinner, well, that’s a “you” problem. Which means it doesn’t really matter to him. Besides, he needs that money to pay for his dumb wall that doesn’t work.

One wag suggested Trump is probably upset at how many flushes it takes to get the entire Constitution down the drain. Indeed.

In light of his weird water theories, how can I NOT write about this president? In the immortal words of that great mafia kingpin, Michael Corleone, “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.”