JAMES S. BRADY PRESS BRIEFING ROOM, WEST WING, THE WHITE HOUSE:
BIDEN PRESS SECRETARY JEN PSAKI: Thank you for your kind attention as we have reviewed events of the weekend including updates on the Coronavirus vaccine effort, climate change, violence in Myanmar and Kim Cattrall’s decision not to participate in the new Sex & the City reboot. OK, just a little press secretary humor on that last. (polite laughter). OK! You in the back; go ahead, please.
REPORTER: Uh, thanks. Sean Spicer with dadboddaily.net. I was just wondering how big you think President Biden’s inauguration crowd was.
JP: Well, as you know, owing to events staged by violent domestic terrorists at the Capitol on January 6, we weren’t able to have a traditional inauguration.
SPICER: So you’re admitting your crowd was super tiny compared to, say, the last presidential inauguration? A follow up…how many times have YOU been on “Dancing With the Stars”? Hmmmmm?
JP: I’m sorry; I don’t believe that’s relevant.
REPORTER: Ms. Psaki…
JP: Yes, go ahead….Ms…..Sanders? Is that you?
REPORTER: Yes, I’m Sarah Huckabee Sanders with the Arkansas Rattler Tattler and Coin Wash Coupon Gazetteer …
JP: Go ahead please.
SANDERS: Yes, our readers would like to know President Biden’s views on the Putin-ordered jailing of opposition leader Alexei Nalveny and his supporters.
JP: The president…
SANDERS: Ima stop you right there, Ms. Puh-saki, which sounds Socialist by the way. Americans don’t care about that stuff. What we really want to know is how the president plans to stop the Jesus killers from shooting lasers at us from space…
JP: Sergeant at arms, please remove this woman.
SANDERS: (huffy) It’s the Red Hen Restaurant all over again. OK, OK, I’m leaving! Can I get my veal parm to go?
JP: Is there anyone here with a question who was not a press secretary in the previous administration? Wait. I see a hand up. Please go ahead Ms….?
REPORTER: It’s Stephanie Grisham, Secretary Psaki. I was the press secretary who never held a single briefing so that’s probably why you didn’t recognize me.
JP: Thanks for bringing that up, Ms. Grisham. The president is eager to restore daily press briefings. Unlike his predecessor, he believes a free press is crucial to democracy.
REPORTER: Excuse me! I have a question!
JP: Kayleigh McEnany? Sorry. I didn’t recognize you with just the one face. This is only open to working press. What is your affiliation please?
KAYLEIGH McENANY: Perhaps you didn’t hear. I’m with Fox News.
JP: Fox says you do NOT work for them…
KM: Would I lie to you?
JP: Only when you’re awake, Ms. McEnany. You were responsible for unprecedented levels of obfuscation and misinformation during your 10 months in this job. You even lied about the dangers of Covid 19!
KM: (looks up from phone) Whoa. Jared Kushner just got nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.
JP: Stop lying!!!! (checks phone) OK, that’s true.
KM: And an Oscar and a Tony and an Emmy and a Grammy…
Celia Rivenbark thinks Punxsutawney Phil would make a nice stew.