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MARALAGO, FLA. — President Donald J. Trump announced today that he will be seeking the advice of a top CIA operative whose work he has admired greatly for four seasons so far on Showtime on Demand.
“I believe that when people say mean, really very ugly, things about me and my lack of insight into foreign affairs, they forget that I am closely in touch with Carrie Mathison, who, as many of you may know, is super bigly in the CIA. I am going to reach out to Ms. Mathison and hope that she will be able to work with the Trump team as we make America great again, yada, yada, yada, period, no backstops.”
When the president was informed that Ms. Mathison’s “Homeland” character, the hard-charging, fearless spy with a bipolar diagnosis, is a fictional TV character, he seemed only vaguely concerned.
“Some of my critics have said that Ms. Mathison is “fictional”, “made up on TV,” “really played by actress Claire Danes.” Well, to those critics I would just say sometimes TV is real. It’s like I was saying the other day to one of my good friends, Bob the Builder– some of you may know him as “Bob”– we have got to get to work on our infrastructure, like, yesterday.”
The president said Bob the Builder’s resume is impressive and warrants the creation of an additional cabinet post.
“He could be stereo cabinet, or perhaps china cabinet, or maybe even medicine cabinet if he’s not feeling like taking on a big job. The point is, I know a lot about rebar and so, well, done-zo.”
Bob the Builder is, of course, a long-running children’s TV show that stresses conflict resolution and cooperation.
“When I think about our nation’s crumbling infrastructure, I remember Bob’s question? Can we build it? Yes we can. Wait. I didn’t want to say that. I meant to say: “Ready, steady, build!” I’m going to promote Bob to being in charge of the border wall because he has done such amazing work in Spring City, America, lately as I believe most of you know.”
When the president was reminded, sigh, that Bob the Builder is also a TV show and not a real construction expert, he shrugged and asked if there was any more pudding.
A burst of late-night tweeting, however, signaled the president wasn’t happy with being told some of his most respected advisors weren’t technically real.
“STUPIDHEAD DOUBTERS THINK CARRIE’S NOT REAL. OH, YEAH? WHY DON’T YOU ASK SAUL BERENSON IF SHE’S REAL OR NOT? #seriouslyIneedpudding
So intent is the president on using Ms. Mathison to guide his foreign policy that he has announced that he will binge watch to catch up to the sixth season just so he can make sure she’s still alive. #workingallnightforyou.
President Trump said that once he finishes Homeland, he will have a definitive plan for what to do about “Syria and other stuff that is really bad and also not good.”