WHITE HOUSE PRESS CONFERENCE, SOMETIME IN THE VERY NEAR FUTURE—Vice President Mike (“Mike”) Pence will now address reporters with an update on the status of the Coronavirus, aka Covid-19.
Pence: Thank you for being here today. I’m honored to have been chosen by President Trump to lead the administration’s response to the coronavirus outbreak.
I would like to now issue our response. Here goes: “Go on, get along now, git! Git outta here, coronavirus.” I believe that covers it nicely. Thank you all for coming.
Reporter: (bewildered) Mr. Vice President, is that all you have to say? How do you respond to the CDC’s warning that the virus’s spread throughout the United States is “inevitable?”
Pence: I’d say that’s a classic anti-American sentiment espoused by the liberal media and perpetuated by the Deep State.
Reporter: Sir, all due respect, the Centers for Disease Control is a highly respected community of scientists and physicians.
Pence: My point. It’s just like Mother and I used to say when we’d sit on the front porch of the farmhouse and ponder all those filthy drug addicts being rewarded for their habit with clean needles. Science has no place in a discussion of a potentially fatal virus. It’s God’s will.
Pence: I wouldn’t expect you to understand that. Say, are you a Christian?
Reporter: I was raised Roman Catholic.
Pence: So that’s a “no” then.
Pence: I see another hand up. Yes, you. Go ahead. What’s your question? And please be quick. Mother has made us a whiz bang supper of mayonnaise sandwiches and whole milk and I don’t want to keep her waiting.
Reporter: Mr. Vice President, what is your response to criticism that when you were governor, you hurt, rather than helped to contain an HIV outbreak in Indiana? Doesn’t that make you a questionable choice to be placed in charge of the U.S. response to a pandemic?
Pence: What in the name of butter-me-not biscuits kind of question is that? One thing has nothing to do with the other. The coronavirus affects NORMAL people. Pardon my language but sheesh!
Reporter: Follow-up: Aside from telling the coronavirus to go away, do you have another plan?
Pence: Yes. I also intend to rebuke it.
Reporter: Ummmkay. Mr. Vice President, you famously said there wasn’t a link between smoking and lung cancer. Some say this underscores your lack of competency in matters of public health.
Pence: I repeat. Mayonnaise sandwiches.
Reporter: Yes, one more question: What can you say to convince jittery Americans you are the best person to be the virus czar?
Pence: That’s easy. Mother and I recently watched “Contagion,” starring the famous Hollywood hussy Gwneth Paltrow and we learned how important it is to cough into your elbow and to wash your hands while singing “Happy Birthday” all the way through twice.
Reporter: Her character still died…
Pence: That’s because she fornicated with someone other than her husband. Message: Sin kills.
Thank you, Mr. Vice President.