CONVENTION OF TV DOCTORS, BEVERLY HILLS, CALIF.–—
Dr. Phil: Oh, wow, Mehmet. Glad you could make this year’s convention, given all the bullcrap being stirred up against us. Oprah’s not even taking my calls…
Dr. Oz: Yeah, they’ve pretty much turned on me over at Faux News, too.
Dr. Phil: You know what I always say…
Dr. Drew: (overhearing as he approaches) Wait! Let me guess! No matter how flat you make a pancake, it’s still got two sides?
Phil: Drew Pinsky! Glad you could make it. Man, I can’t believe you said there’s a better chance you’d get hit by an asteroid than dying of Coronovirus. I mean, I thought I was dumb…”
Drew: Yeah, I said I was sorry but it’s too late now. I’ve lost my credibility as a physician.
Phil: Pardner, I think you did that when you dressed up like an eagle on that Masked Singer show.
Oz: Hey, we all messed up. I basically told Hannity opening schools up might be appetizing! Was I smoking crack when I implied thousands of children dying was acceptable? No. I was not. At least then I’d have an excuse…
Phil: Irregardless of all that, y’all, my wife is smokin’ hot.
Oz & Drew (unison): How hot is she?
Phil: No, there’s no punchline. I’m just saying it like I do every day because if I don’t, she turns meaner’n a two-headed snake. It’s in our marriage contract, er, vows. She’s plenty cheesed about me giving out those goofy fake stats and downplaying the virus. I told her that as a once-but-not-currently licensed psychologist, I was trying to say we can’t stay home forever because people get depressed when they’re locked down.
Drew: Ha! Yes, that is the no-poo Sherlock School of Psychology. I, myself, am a proud graduate.
Oz: Same. With honors. Speaking of poo, I wish people would stop asking me to look at theirs. I mean it’s exhausting…
Dr. Phil: How’s that working for you?
Oz: I just told you. Not well. Do you just talk in Dr. Philisms all day long?
Phil: Yep. Trying to run that by me is like trying to get sunrise from a rooster.
Oz: Yes, well. I just think people should stop being mean to me because I’m always wearing my scrubs. That should prove I’m the real deal.
Phil: You can put feathers on a dog but that don’t make him a chicken.
Phil: Wait! Who’s that coming in the lobby right now…is it? Naw, it can’t be…
Oz: Yes, I think it’s her!
Drew: How’s my hair, guys? I mean it’s usually perfect…
Phil: Good buddy, it’s fine as frog’s hair split up the middle. Let me do the talking. We’re so glad you could come. Is this your first time at the TV doctors’ convention? May I call you…
Yes, it is I… Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.
Oz: It’s a great honor. I’m Mehmet Oz but you can call me “Meh.”
Dr. Quinn: That sounds about right.
Celia Rivenbark boils her mail. Deal with it.