Christmas came early this year. In fact, I can pinpoint the exact date—November 3—when my present was confirmed with a ship date of Jan. 20. All good. I can wait. I’ve been without an oven for three months now so, yeah, there’s that.

Now it was time to focus on gifts to others, which is exactly what the President is doing these days. Trump has spent all week pondering the perfect gift for his children and he has landed on…PARDONS! It makes perfect sense if you think about it: Eric, Don Jr. and Javanka probably already have the Ninja Foodi Air Fryer.

Since none of them have been charged with anything YET, the pardon would technically be “more of a get out of jail free card” according to The New York Times.

This phrase probably puzzles the president’s kids since they most likely never played the beloved board game Monopoly so much as lived it, evicting tenants from Marvin Gardens while adding another hotel on Boardwalk. Tra-la-la.

    The Get Out of Jail Free card appropriately enough features Rich Uncle Pennybags in a striped prison suit being literally booted back into society (Chance) or flying out of a bird cage with wings attached to his suit (Community Chest).

    Fun fact: Monopoly games manufactured after 2008 don’t use the iconic Rich Uncle Pennybags but rather just broken jail bars. Gag. The PC Police have ruined a beloved American tradition. Not even kidding.

Trump is reportedly considering giving Rudy Giuliani a pardon for Christmas. I get that. We all have that crazy uncle who comes into our houses, unzips his pants randomly and leaks hair dye from a Walgreen’s kit all over our furniture, am I right?

Truth is, it’s not so much a wonderful life at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue these final days. Sure, Melania’s F-bomb-laced rant about having to do the “Chreesmus” was good for a little holiday humor but she did oversee a nice, if a tad boring, display this year. I do, however, question the “urn theme” during a pandemic. Mel is nothing if not tone deaf.

I imagine the Trumps watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” just like every American family, sagely quoting the words of Zuzu Bailey: “Teacher says every time a Parler nut says libtards won’t let them say Merry Christmas, a Proud Boy gets his Uzi!” Or something like that.

As 2020 chugs to a wretched, diseased end, let us ponder the curious behavior of Ted Cruz (R-Mars) who is loudly urging all Americans to ignore CDC guidelines and visit as many friends and family as we want this Christmas (“More Covid casserole, Uncle Snookie?).

A Harvard Law degree is a terrible thing to waste, but Cruz seems determined to pretend to be as dumb as a box of hair to appeal to the Trump base. There’s no monopoly on stupid. But that level of pandering is, frankly, unpardonable. Even at the Creesmus.


Celia Rivenbark just rearranged all the Obama books that someone had stashed in the children’s section at Costco, spines hidden. Someone’s not being best.