Humor Columnist, Event Speaker and Author of these seven riotous reads.

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Survey Says! This President is a Loon

 

    Because I am a good American, I was happy to answer the president’s recent call to action that came in the form of an online “Mainstream Media Accountability Survey.”

    I get a lot of this sort of Trump stuff because he loves me so bigly. I know this because he emails me once a week inviting me to buy a “colorized” commemorative Trump half-dollar (poor JFK) for $29.95. Sure, I have the money but I think I’d rather spend it on something more valuable like, say, old Ambrosia and Firefall albums.

    I completed the president’s questionnaire quickly in spite of its length. Reading the 25 migraine-launching questions and multiple choice answers left me feeling quite stabby indeed.

    The questions reminded me of the old “push poll” phone calls one gets close to an election. The format goes something like this…

    Caller: “Do you believe that Donald Trump will make America great again or do you harbor radical Islamic terrorists in your basement?”

    That said, since I work in the mainstream media, I felt plenty qualified to tackle the president’s many concerns. The questionnaire had a depressingly needy tone, not unlike how the big box store where I bought my dishwasher last November keeps calling to ask if I’m happy with the product and its installation. I have told them numerous times that I’m practically giddy but they keep calling with middle school levels of insecurity.

    There were a few jokes in the questionnaire, apparently just to give us a little break. For instance, Question No. 4: “Do you trust Fox News to report fairly on Trump’s presidency?” And then there was the “irony much?” No. 22: “Do you believe that if Republicans were obstructing Obama like Democrats are doing to President Trump, the mainstream media would attack Republicans?”

    Sorry. I just laughed so hard my spleen fell out and dropped on the floor. Gimme a minute. OK, got it. Right. Where were we? Oh, yes. Those poor, poor Republicans are being obstructed! What skullduggery! And so unprecedented unless you skipped your lobotomy appointment and actually remember the winter-is-coming that was Obama’s eight years dealing with a committed obstructionist Congress.

    The final question, No. 25, had an ominous tone for those of us in the business: “Do you believe that our Party should spend more time and resources holding the mainstream media accountable?”

    I get it. It’s not like there are more important things to do. By all means, let’s start putting journalists in work camps where we will be forced to write about Melania’s beauty, Ivanka’s business savvy and…nah, that’s all.

    As it turns out, the survey didn’t go well for the president. Noting that the results were skewed because apparently too many Democrats took the survey (!), Trump declared it couldn’t possibly be accurate.    In the meantime, I really should write more about Melania’s lovely collection of opera gloves or how shiplap can transform even the most depressing detention center. Could come in handy.

    

 

    

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