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Hey Y’all: Please note that I’m not crazy…I do realize “The Mooch” is no more. But I write the column way earlier than y’all see it so, while it’s a bit out of date, I’m sure you agree no one expected him to last only 11 days! Enjoy…
Not since wholesome high school exchange student Sandy Olsson dated leather-clad roughneck Danny Zuko in “Grease” have we seen a more unlikely pairing than Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Anthony Scaramucci.
Sarah’s the magnolia-mouthed White House Press Secretary from Arkansas. Raised by a stern but loving preacher father who was governor before deciding to build himself a mansion with many rooms in Florida, she’s the well-scrubbed Baptist mom with a Pandora bracelet and, just guessing, monogrammed oven mitts. Sure, much of what she says on the job is utter cow poo but she says it so sweetly! And when the mean ol’ press challenges her, she looks wounded; her bottom lip quivers and her eyes pool softly.
How could they?!
Enter her boss, newly anointed White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci of, Lord have mercy, Long Island, New York. Yes, he’s Danny Zuko with a law degree, freshly yoked to Sandy, er, Sarah, as they go out bravely into a room full of legitimate journalists trying to do their jobs and thwart them at every turn.
Sarah is softly Southern; “the Mooch,” is loud and schmoozy in a way that must vex Sarah. No Southern man would allow himself to be nicknamed “The Mooch” or, his other nickname, “Scar.” Doesn’t he know Scar was the villain in “The Lion King?” That he plotted to destroy his own brother? Oh, this is worse than the time mama made chicken salad with dark meat. Almost.
“You’re the one that I want!” is Scaramucci’s refrain as the fair Sarah’s big eyes grow bigger and eye-ier.
Their backgrounds will sabotage them. A brash Yankee with a Harvard Law degree working beside a traditional Southern girl who graduated from (sound of shuffling Wikipedia files) “Ouachita Baptist University.” Yes. That’s really a thing.
Perhaps that was the Mooch’s second choice.
Mooch/Scar has already put his “work wife” in an awk situation commenting on hair and makeup issues not to mention profane tirades concerning Steve Bannon’s naughties.
Sarah secretly thinks her daddy would think this kind of comment coming from a man would indicate extreme “gayness” or, at the very least, leanings. She doesn’t think so. “Tony” is from the North and Northern men always worry about their hair it seems. She remembers secretly watching “The Situation” fuss over his ‘do in “Jersey Shore.” Oh, if Daddy ever found out she’d watched that there would be h-e-double hockeysticks to pay!
Sarah may have a moment where she just needs a quick Coca-Cola break with best pal Frenchy, who’s as happy as if she had good sense. Occasionally, she might sneak a convo with Rizzo, her worldly pal, whom Daddy calls “Jezebel” when he’s feeling particularly pious.
It’s doubtful this relationship will last. Sarah will never call tomato sauce “gravy.” That’s just too weird. Gravy is for biscuits and it’s brown, not red. Duh. Tony will want her to try Long Island Iced Tea but it’s nothing like the iced tea she grew up with, the kind so sweet it would melt your teeth. Daddy warned her there’d be days like this.