And now, The Hallmark Channel is proud to present “A Post-Election Thanksgiving” starring many families across the United States of Trump.
Dad: “Pass the mashed potatoes, son.”
Son: “Sure, Dad. You know what else feels mashed? My spirit. My dream for a better America, my hope that someday…”
Dad: “Could someone ELSE please pass the mashed potatoes? Anyone? At all?”
Son: “That’s right, Dad. Ignore justice. That’s your generation’s answer to everything. Whitey.”
Dad: “Wait. What?”
Gramps: “You know you should tell your boy that in my day we didn’t riot in the streets just because we didn’t get our way like a bunch of spoiled brats. Nosireebob.”
Mom: “Well, Dad, actually you did. Remember the Chicago convention and how mom burned her bra to protest Vietnam?”
Son: “Whoa. Trying to eat here. I do NOT need that image of Grandma.
Grandma: “You know, we were young once. Full of optimism and idealism and then, well, I married your grandfather…”
Gramps: “Shut up Sadie. Who do I have to know to get some dressing around here?”
Dad (to brother in law visiting from Mississippi): “So, Biff, we’re glad you and Mary-Susan could join us today. How was the drive?”
Biff: “We’re gonna make America great again. Radical Islamic terrorists. Lock her up. Take our country back. Grab her by the …”
Dad: “OK, ok, that’s enough.”
Mary-Susan: “He’s been that way for two weeks now. It’s all he can say. I don’t even think he knows what he’s talking about.”
Mom: “Let’s not talk about politics. It’s Thanksgiving. We should all go around the table and name one thing that we are especially grateful for this year. I’ll start. I am grateful for this lovely meal that I have been working on for more than 36 hours nonstop with no help whatsoever not even to get the cranberries at the last minute when I drove to Publix and bought them standing in line wearing only my robe and slippers because what does any of it matter? Now, who would like to go next?”
Gramps: “I’m grateful that we’re finally gonna have a wall to keep the Mexicans out.”
Grandma: “Does this include Rosalita who comes every two weeks to clean our condo?”
Gramps: “Of course not. Rosalita can stay. I meant all the rapists and murderers and druggers. Rosalita is FAMILY.”
Daughter: “OMG, Grandpa, you are so racist! Not to mention you are such a misogynist!”
Gramps: “There’s that word again. I’ve heard it my whole life and I still don’t know what it means.”
Daughter: “I wish all of you would die.”
Mom (draining her wine glass): “Hahahhahahaha! You know when I wanted to die? When I was standing in the produce aisle in my robe…”
All (except Biff): “WE KNOW…”
Biff: “Crooked Hillary, Little Mario, Lying Ted Cruz…”
Dad: “Is it too much to just have a peaceful meal with loved ones? Let’s put politics aside and focus on the future.”
Son: “Bernie could’ve won.”
Silence.