Now that Virgo season is here, let me just say…would you please hand me that box of baking soda and a wet paper towel? Because that ring under the Worcestershire sauce bottle in the fridge isn’t going to magically disappear.

Where is the baking soda? In the pantry. On the shelf labeled A-J. You know, alphabetizing isn’t just for spices. That’s a common mistake by non-Virgos. Many don’t even OWN a label maker. Not only do I own one, but I travel with it and always pack extra label tape because (deep breaths) one time I ran out and, well, mayhem.

Virgos may be the most maligned of all the signs of the Zodiac. Even the Zodiac killer, I imagine, thought twice about killing a Virgo, electing to move on to Libra because you know they’re never put off by a big mess. Sorry, not sorry.

People snicker at our desire for order and a certain, er, rigidity when it comes to pretty much everything. We invented the delightful phrase, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it…” although our soul dies a little each time we say “ain’t” because colloquialisms make us feel like we’re pandering. Acting like a Taurus just to seem less neurotic. Nobody has EVER accused a Taurus of being neurotic. They lack the creativity, I suppose.

People don’t like Virgos because we can come across as controlling, but it comes from a good place! If we see a Sagittarian once again act fine when she ordered a burger but received hot wings, we will step in. You can’t wait for Capricorn; we Virgos are ON IT. You’re welcome.

Sagittarians and Virgos are famously different. Sagittarians have an annoying ability to go with the flow and an unsettling sense of adventure that eschews such conventions as booking hotel reservations. They end up sleeping in their cars which is then cheerfully lauded as “another adventure on the road of life!” And this is a good thing?!?

We Virgos, which now I’m speaking for myself and Beyonce’, temper our charmingly reliable predictability with just the right dash of bluntness. I’m sure you can see how these characteristics combine to make us the absolute envy of the Zodiac. We not only know you’re doing it wrong, but we can scarcely wait to tell you! It’s really for your own good.

Occasionally, someone—probably a Leo because they are very high on themselves—will lampoon us Virgos as being “overly organized.”

OK. I will now ask you to visit the shelf labeled “S-Z” for salts, comma, smelling. How can one ever be OVERLY organized? Do we have an unnatural affinity for spreadsheets, post-it notes, ultra-fine point gel pens, cute little bins with slots for labels and destinations that begin with “Container” and end with “Store”? Yes, yes we do.

Oh, to possess the free-spirited goofiness of the Aquarian or Aries or Pisces, all air (headed) signs. To just dress yourself in whatever clothes fell to the floor the night before and greet the day! To not feel the need to preach the gospel of Downey Wrinkle Remover, honestly the greatest invention since the laminator. Because, and I’m sure everyone but the Geminis and Cancers will agree, ragged edges on your important documents are the gateway to chaos. Virgos, if we have one fault, and I don’t believe we do, might be guilty of over-laminating. I once went on a veritable acid trip of laminating that had the cats looking quite worried. Would they be next?

And while Scorpios, in particular, think we lack passion, they are, as usual, wrong. We’re plenty romantic, just not in a tacky display of potentially germ-riddled “hand holding” and similar.

Let Virgo season commence! Celebrate responsibly. Hmmmph. As if there were any other way.