Next season on “Below Deck: Montenegro”…Captain Sandy and Captain Lee decide to salvage a slow season by renting their employers’ luxury yachts to Russian oligarchs whose boats are currently…uhhhh…unavailable. Here’s a clip from “Below Deck: Russian Oligarchs Edition” coming soon on Bravo…
Captain Sandy: Welcome aboard, Sergei!
Captain Lee: Cut the sugar, Sandy. Look, Sergei, we don’t like you. The only reason we’re letting you on board is Bravo thought it would be a smart business decision to have everyone in America hate you even more…You’re like the designated villain on The Bachelor, capiche? You’re ratings gold, you @#$%!”
Captain Sandy: OK, that’s enough Lee. These oligarchs are our special guests, and we will treat them exactly as we treat anyone on Below Deck. We will smile at their faces and then, behind their backs, we will savagely make fun of their rampant alcoholism, disgusting personal hygiene and completely unrealistic dining demands.
Captain Lee: That sounds good. And, to be fair, I pretty much hate everybody, not just oligarchs.
Captain Sandy: We know, Cap’n Crusty. Fun fact: Like most of America, I wasn’t exactly sure what an oligarch was. Had to Google it!
Sergei: Enough of this mindless chatter. Where are the servant women? I am late for my massage and many mimosas.
Captain Sandy: Hannah! Help the man out! Sergei, this is our legendary chief stew…
Hannah: Are you just going to let him talk to me like that? What a misogynist!
Sergei: You will now go to Siberian Prison Camp 17 where the temperature is often below 50 degrees. I am just saying…
Captain Lee: Why you….
Captain Sandy: OK, Lee, settle down and go scream at the bosun and tell him how dumb he is.
Captain Lee: Sandy, you know me too well. That does always relax me…
Captain Sandy: Hannah, just get the man his drinks.
Sergei: You have Russian vodka, of course?
Captain Sandy: Uhhhh, no. We are an American registry, and we are currently boycotting Russian products as a show of solidarity to the people of Ukraine.
Sergei: You may join your mouthy friend at Siberian Prison Camp 17…Perhaps you saw it on National Geographic channel expose?
Captain Sandy: Hannah, please get Sergei some Tito’s.
Sergei: Blech. Is this the vodka made in Texas? Do I look like American sorority girl? What is next? White Claw?
Hannah: Oh, look! More oligarchs are boarding. Let’s hope they’re a little more well-mannered!
Sergei: You should probably know I’m actually the NICE one. Young lady, before you greet Dimitri, please rub my shoulders and feet and give me the name of your youngest sister. Ha!
(Voiceover) Coming up later this season on Below Deck: Russian Oligarchs Edition…
Captain Sandy: OK, everyone, let’s gather in the galley at 1300 hours for the tip meeting.
Chef Ben: Can’t wait. You know I’ve never had a more demanding group to cook for and that’s saying a lot. Who even knew meat jelly was a thing?
Hannah: So how did we do? As rich as the oligarchs are, I imagine we are going to get at least $2,000 apiece.
Bosun: To tell the truth, I’m glad to see them go. Captain Lee encouraged them to call me names like “stupid” and “lazy” and “paste-eating lizard boy.” I got even though by asking them to say “Moose” and “Squirrel.” They never got the joke.
Captain Sandy: Well, I hate to tell you this, but the envelope was empty. There was no tip, not a single ruble.
Hannah: Whhaaaaaaa????!!!!!
Captain Sandy: I’m so sorry. You all worked so hard. But Sergei and Dimitri said the only thing good about the trip was riding on the jetskis because at least they SOUND Russian.
Captain Lee: Arrrrgh. I need to humiliate someone. Bosun!!!!