I’m not sure how much money was spent on it, but a recent study confirmed “people are annoyed or irritated quicker than usual when hungry.”

    The U.K. professor who led the study told USAToday recently he decided to research the relationship between hunger and anger (gettin’ “hangry” as most of us call it) after his wife mentioned he behaved in an angry manner when he hadn’t eaten.

    As one does.

    The conclusion: “Being hangry is real.”

    Professor Viren Swami said he wants people to know if they say they feel hangry, they are validated. Also, you should stay at least three to four car-lengths away from them. Kidding! Make it 10.

    Well of course we should believe this because science. Also, practically speaking, who didn’t know that? Speaking of hangry, where’s my egg salad sandwich? Or ANYTHING AT ALL???

    Let me explain. I am, at this moment, purposely writing this column in the live FULL BLOWN HANGRY stage. The only way I could be more authentic would be if I was coming to you from the driver’s seat of my car while parked at Target and screaming at my dashboard.

    As one does.

I’m doing so because I wanted to personally authenticate Dr. Swami’s research in the same “non laboratory, real-world setting” his research used. The findings have just been published in the peer reviewed journal “Obvious Crap We All Know But Somebody Needs to Prove It So We Can Tell Everybody Else at the Stupid After-Work Mixer at the Stupid Escape Room that No One Wants to Go To Except Darlene Because She’s So Basic.” Sorry. I meant “Plos One.” I always get those two journals confused.

    So exactly how does one scientifically measure the concept of hangry? The process was, haha, a piece of cake! Which I could really use right about now, one of those 12-layer chocolate ones only exactly six Southern grannies still make, pouring a thin batter into a series of disposable pie tins. Where was I? Oh. So 64 volunteers recorded their levels of hunger and emotional well-being five times a day for three weeks.

    That’s admirable but I don’t think they needed three whole weeks. I’ve been hangry now for about three hours, having nothing but one rogue blob of toothpaste in my stomach for the past 12 hours. I’m imagining there were some pretty testy comments in their journals.

    Stuff like: “My husband is the best player in his grown-man basketball league but he can’t hit the laundry hamper with his gross gym shorts when he is standing 2 feet from it. How is this possible? Also, if we’re being honest, his brother is way better looking IMHO.”

    That’s not the wife talking. It’s her hanger. All she needs is a bearclaw and she will be fine. Not as fine as her brother-in-law, but pretty fine. Researchers proved hunger is associated with “negative emotions.” I love the scholarly understatement of the phrase “negative emotions” which just sounds like you’re a little peckish, as opposed to being ready to bite the heads off live chickens. Mmmmm. Chicken.

    The study confirms hangry is a legitimate medical condition possibly linked to low blood sugar levels which can cause some people to become annoyed more quickly than usual.” Blood sugar, incidentally, is the grossest brand of sugar, am I right? I mean you got your granulated, your 10x, your turbinado…What am I talking about? I have no idea. I’m now basically the Donner party without all the possibilities.

From now on, you can claim “hangry” after behaving badly and presumably everyone will understand. If this is a condition you suffer from frequently, you should maybe get one of those medical I.D. bracelets to alert paramedics so they’ll know you really just need a meatball sub. Stat.