Am I the only person who thinks it’s weird when the clerk asks if you have any questions for the pharmacist?
Just once, I’d like to say, “OK, I guess so. Let’s see. OK, got one! Why is it that even though I work hard for the money (kidding!) I still can’t quite bring myself to order the guac because of the RIDICULOUS upcharge?”
If this is met with the blank stare I predict, I will follow up with a few more questions for the pharmacist since he or she must be considered uncommonly wise. Of course, I got questions! Quite a few as a matter of fact. And since you asked…
Like, where, precisely—and I’m talking Webb telescope levels of specific—is that creepy looking moth with a 10-INCH wing span hanging out now, besides in my nightmares? Has the pharmacist seen the Atlas moth, bigger than the human hand? It somehow hitched a ride from Asia to Washington state. Can we make sure that never happens again, Pharmacist? Please say yes.
Here’s another one. Why do women love pockets so much? I mean, sure they’re handy and all but if you believe the hype, we think of little else all day long. Our reproductive rights are being shredded like tenderloin at a pig pickin’ but POCKETS! “Mmmmm, how do you like my new muu-muu? It’s super retro Golden Girls chic and….wait for it…POCKETS!” Cue squeals and hand-clapping. It’s a little flap of extra fabric. Settle down, Ginger.
Why are people who profess to be law-abiding, non-Antifa, God-fearing citizens hating on…the FBI? Are y’all getting out the Goo Gone and removing those Blue Lives Matter decals off your trucks? How ’bout the flag sticker your doofus brother-in-law said will keep you from being pulled by the highway patrol? If you’re going all anarchist all the time, you might as well.
I’m not done. You are, after all, the PHARMACIST. So, I have a few more questions and, sure, there are a bunch of folks waiting in line behind me and now they kinda hate me for making fun of pockets and want me to move along but, well, you asked.
Why do so many people who haven’t cracked a book since middle school and “It was about a lab dog so that was the onliest reason I picked it out” are suddenly experts on what should be allowed in school libraries? I gotta howl when these parents try to explain why they want “The Diary of Anne Frank” removed from the prying eyes of children. Of which Anne Frank was one. You need to skedaddle, Buford. You skipped high school because it ate into your vaping time. Tell the truth.
Has charcuterie used up its 15 minutes of fame? I’m thinking yep.
Where have all the soap operas gone? No, wait. I realize that’s not as serious as some of the other stuff I’ve talked about (like POCKETS!) but soaps weren’t just about overwrought acting and iffy plot lines. It was about BONDING. The news that “Days of Our Lives” will morph into a streaming version leaving only three legit soaps on TV is a little sad. Sure, it wasn’t very good but there was something so comforting about watching a show you had shared with your grandma while shelling butterbeans into a dinged-up metal dishpan every summer.
Wait. I know the guy behind me in line is, quite literally, itching to check out (bless his heart) but I have one more question for the pharmacist. Why are y’all not high up anymore? Remember how we used to have to look up at the pharmacy because it was a half flight of steps up? You literally had to shout your questions up to the heavens. “WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE???” Yeah I kinda miss that.