Hallmark store clerk: Good morning! May I help you select the perfect greeting card today?
HERSCHEL WALKER: Yeah, thanks. Have you got anything along the lines of “Sorry About Lying To Everybody About Not Being Your Dad!” And, hey, do those come boxed? I need a bunch of ’em. How many? Hmmmmm. What’s today? Ha! Just kidding. I can’t remember much since I got shot down in ‘Nam those six times.
HUNTER BIDEN: OK, so I need a card that has, like, a picture of a laptop computer on the front that seems to have a whole bunch of cocaine spilled on top of it and the cocaine spells out “HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!” and you open it up and it says: “What? Too soon?” Yeah, I know it’s not really the right time of year, but I may be going away for a while. A very long while…
KIM KARDASHIAN: Yes, please. I wanted to put my check for $1.26 million I owe the IRS in a nice card, maybe one that has the little hole where the money shows through like poor people’s grandmothers send them?
GISELE BUNDCHEN: I’d like to return this retirement card I bought for my husband a few months ago. Why? Because he couldn’t make it past three months of carpool, tutoring and planning the school fall festival before he said it was all “just too much” and he’d “rather get repeatedly pummeled in the pocket” and went back to “work.” Some tough guy. He couldn’t even handle Barb asking him to sit in the dunking booth.
TOM BRADY: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Was that my ex just leaving? Small world. Hey, where’s your cards for a supermodel whose net worth is actually higher than yours even though you’re the one who gets his FREAKIN’ SPINE knocked into his throat every week while all she has to do is go, “Ooooh, lookit me! I’m sooooo pretty!” No? Nothing? (kicks over festive display of licensed Disney character finger puppets on the way out) GOLD CROWN THIS!!!
ADAM LEVINE: Was that Gisele Bundchen? Seriously. Was it? I mean, does she come in here a lot? Do you think you could let me know the next time she comes in? Seriously. It would mean a lot to me…
ELON MUSK: Yes, thanks. Do you have belated cards, like for a belated birthday but in this case a belated sending of the $44 billion I promised to pay Twitter a few months ago? What’s that? I could just buy a card that’s beautiful on the outside but completely blank on the inside? What’s it called? Ohhhh, Melania by Hallmark? That’s perfect.
LAUREN BOEBERT: Where’s your religious cards? Thanks. Wait. What are these weird blue cards where Christmas cards should be? What? What’s Hanooka? Ohhhh, the space laser folks. Listen, I like my cards with Jesus on ’em. But the one where he’s all dressed in white and holding lambs not where he sounds like a Socialist. You wonton me?
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE: Yes, you can help me. My niece is getting married down in Fungal Toe, Georgia, next month and I need a card congratulating her and her heterosexual fiancé. Whoa. What’s this? A wedding card for two men? “He was a lucky man and so was HE?” What’s next? Congratulating lesbians on adopting a baby? What? Aisle 5? Hmmmph, prolly created inside a peach tree dish so it’s not a real baby. OK, I’m leaving. You don’t have to be so huffy. Q out!!
LINDSEY GRAHAM: Whew. That one’s crazy. When I saw her coming in, I just hopped inside one of those Vera Bradley overnight duffles. Super comfy, by the way. Now where are your sympathy cards? Wanna send one to Liz Cheney because her political future is DEAD. Ha!