Well, lah-di-dah and pass the Sima! Finland has been named the Happiest Country in the World. Again. For the sixth straight year, if you’re keeping track. And I am.

    Finland? A word, please? OK, listen. Way back in the 1990s, a very talented American actress named Candice Bergen starred in the wildly popular sitcom “Murphy Brown.” Everyone loved Bergen’s portrayal of the titular salty, sarcastic TV anchor and she won five Emmys for best actress in a comedy! When year six came around, Bergen, feeling a bit tacky about all the attention, took her name out of contention.

    Finland, it’s time for you to Bergen.

Am I suggesting the United States would win if you bowed out? Hahahahahahahaha! No! (I’ll tell you why in a moment) but second place Denmark and third place Iceland might have a chance. Stop being such a paskianen which Wikipedia tells me means “jerk” in Finnish but since it’s Wikipedia could really mean “air fryer.”

Finland, every year you win, we’re reminded why you’re so very, very special. You’re small, you’re wealthy, your crime rate is low, and you tend to live a looooonnnng time because of your healthy lifestyle.

Dang, Finland (or “Samperi!” in your language), you’re just too good to be true! I don’t mean to be rude but I’m not seeing it. You enjoy the freakishly bright midnight sky, and you think hiking is “fun.”

Instead of modestly accepting the designation of happiest nation, AGAIN, you double down and offer a sweepstakes for 10 folks from less-happy countries (oh, please pick last place Afghanistan, bless their hearts) to attend a “Happiness Masterclass.”

The winners, who must enter a video explaining why they believe they are Finns in their hearts, will learn tips and tricks for happiness including developing “close relationships to nature and a down-to-earth lifestyle.”


To be eligible, applicants must enjoy “going to a forest more than a party” (I’m out) and “bathing in a lake, rather than a shower” (gross.)

The masterclass promises a “digital detox” with no TV and the biggest requirement is “an open mind.” OK, you first, Finland. You should be open-minded enough to accept that streaming “Yellowjackets” makes some people very, very happy.

    Of COURSE you’re the happiest country. It’s a pure-T miracle the United States landed in the No. 15 spot considering all the stuff we have to deal with that you know nothing about.

    You have 15.5 million people. You call that a country? We call that the Carolinas. We work hard, not me, of course, but most Americans. We don’t have time for “sunset saunas” and deep-breathing exercises.

    And we have uniquely American problems. And by problems, I mean Florida which is full to the brim with crazy. You know how people all over the world (even Afghanistan) admire Michelangelo’s David? Not in Florida. They think that’s pornography.

    I don’t know much about Finnish politics, but I’m pretty sure you don’t have to deal with a crazy ex-president who spends every day threatening his own country with all manner of violence if he isn’t elected again.

    And Finland, lord have mercy, we’ve got Gwyneth Paltrow. She’s an actress who owns a lifestyle company that sells overpriced candles named after her lady parts and people FOLLOW her like she’s Jesus. Well. She does rock the flaxen raiment look; I’ll give her that.

    We have people who think teachers should be armed in their classrooms, people who seriously believe JFK Jr. is live and secretly in charge and people who like Duke basketball. And they walk among us!

    Truth? If you had to be America for just one day, you’d start crying for your “mutsi” (mama) before noon. Deep down, you know I’m right.