“Mr. Thomas! Clarence Thomas! Yes, please have a seat in that last cubicle on the left and our Gold Star Tax Preparer Blanche will be right with you. We’re so happy you have chosen H&R Block!”

    CT: “Thanks. I meant to come by weeks ago, so I guess I’ll need an extension. Usually, the wife and I do our taxes but…well, we need some professional help this time.”

    Blanche: “Have a seat, hon. And I hear ya! Most of our clients need that little extra in-person help you can’t get when you do your taxes online. That’s for the young folks, what I like to call your Generation Alphabet. Ha!”

    CT: “Our problem is we had people who told us what to do but apparently they left out some pretty important stuff so we may not have reported certain things. Oopsie.”

    Blanche: “No worries! I can’t tell you how many times a day a client sits in that very chair and says something like, “What?! You mean I have to file a W-2 just because I had that one summer job at Sbarro?” But don’t you worry, Mr. Thomas. We’re gonna get you all fixed up.

Now, what’s your current occupation?”

    CT: “Justice.”

    Blanche: “Oh, sure! They have such cute clothes for the kids, don’t they? Oh my gosh, I got some unicorn PJs for my granddaughter, and she just LOVES them!”

    CT: “No, no. I’m a Supreme Court Justice.”

    Blanche: “Well, aren’t we all sometimes. But like I always say, judge not, lest you be judged! OK, so let’s get a total financial picture. Are you married, filing jointly?”

    CT: “I’ll have to call Ginni about that. She couldn’t come with me today because she’s deposed. I mean indisposed. I mean, she’s not available at present.”

    Blanche: “Well, let’s just get the missus on the ol’ horn and see what she says!”

CT: “No, it’s OK. Yes. Married filing jointly. Final answer.”

    Blanche: (puzzled) “Okie dokie. Now let’s take a gander at that W-2. Also, do you have any 1099s and rental income information and, let’s see, proof of any large gifts and inheritances, that sort of thing?”

    CT: “Uhhhhhhh.”

    Blanche: “Is there a problem?”

    CT: “Well, the W-2 isn’t a problem. I have that right here…”

    Blanche: (shocked): “Oh, my. Maybe I should start selling multicolor leggings in sizes 7 to 14 myself! That’s quite an impressive income you have there.”

    CT: “Yes, well, like I said…Supreme Court Justice.”

    Blanche: (laughs) “Right-O! And I’m married to Tom Selleck! Hahahahahaha!”

    CT: “Look, I’ve never done this before. I didn’t know the questions would be so hard. Sure, I’ve accepted extravagant gifts and multiple million-dollar vacations and yacht trips and private flights from my billionaire bestie. And then he paid for my mama’s house. So what? That’s what friends DO. It’s really no one’s business. Just because this same rich friend has spent millions of dollars and many years trying to shape the law and judiciary to bend to his conservative philosophy, I mean, what’s that got to do with me?”

    Blanche: “Uh huh. You know, Mr. Thomas—if that is your real name—this has been fun, but I think we’re done. I’m very serious about my career and I don’t have time for jokers.”

    CT: “Jokers?! I’m a deeply conservative judge with rigid moral principles that I only abandon when it financially benefits me and my family to do so. Bottom line: I’m being persecuted by the radical left-wing media.”

    Blanche: “Well I don’t know about all that. I don’t pay attention to politics. Gives me gas. All that hateful talk. (shudders)

    CT: “Look. Can you help me or not? I came here because I thought I wouldn’t be recognized.”

Blanche: “Mercy! Someone’s sure got the big head! (pushing him into the mall) Bye now! Free pretzel bites across the way!”

CT: (huffy) “Hmmmph. And she came so highly recommended at the campground.”