As an unapologetic fan of Coke Zero, I have Zero interest in trying Coke’s newest version, which, the company claims “tastes like the future.”
Yummy! Nothing says mid-afternoon pick-me-up like a tall glass of climate hellscape and autocratic rule over ice.
Too dark? Well. They started it.
To make things even stranger, the new taste of the future, dubbed Coke Y3000, was created by Artificial Intelligence or AI as we all say now. I imagine with a little help from besties AS (Artificial Sweetener) and AF (Artificial Flavorings).
Also, Coke Y3000? Does this mean we are supposed to drink this stuff for the next 977 years? That’s old by anybody’s definition—unless you’re a member of the Senate in which case that lands you squarely in the “whippersnapper” division.
The new, new Coke has been in development for about 18 months according to CNN and the final version resulted from combining “beverages…with mystery tastes, most of them with vague futuristic concepts and undisclosed flavors.”
OK, now I’m officially scared.
Coke did use some actual humans to test the new version, seeking input on what “undisclosed” flavors people associate with the future.
It’s a great question. Oh, I’m sorry. I meant to say it’s a STUPID question. Flavors associated with the future? What does that even mean?
“I’m getting notes of sweaty despair and plant-based bacon?”
Who’s going to want to drink THAT?
“Mmmmm. I taste Moms of Liberty taking over school boards and unchecked shady corporate business practices driving shareholder value at the expense of average consumers! Delish!!!!”
But enough of the negative stuff. This is a happy can, decorated with “futuristic” bubbles and happy neon colors. This is how Coke sees the future. It looks a lot like a gender reveal but hopefully one that doesn’t crash into a mountain or start a wildfire.
In case you didn’t know, this isn’t Coke’s first foray into Really Dumb Branding opportunities that no one ever wanted or needed. (To repeat: I adore Coke Zero; no need to improve on perfection IMHO)
For instance, I remember the first time I saw Coke Dreamworld a few months ago at the grocery store. It was designed to “taste like dreams.”
And presumably not the ones where you’re sitting nekkid in your old college classroom or you discover all your teeth have fallen out.
I suppose it’s laudable when a venerable company like Coke works so hard to retain customers and lure new ones. But you have to wonder if AI had smoked weed out in the parking lot when it came up with the concept of Coke Byte, advertised as “tastes like pixels.”
Stop it.
The new Coke Y3000 is having a huge launch, even by Coke standards, complete with the now ubiquitous QR code which you are encouraged to scan to play a game based on what the future might look like in 977 years.
Oh, Coke. You’re Southern. Remember the phrase, “Dance with the one that brung you?” Don’t make Meemaw scan a QR code for anything. She’s been brand loyal to you her entire life and now you’re going to make her try to focus her phone on that lil patch of squiggeldy lines? Do better.
(The prevalence of QR codes vexes Aunt Verlie, who got a wedding invitation last week that required a QR scan to RSVP and to see gift registry details. Bottom line: She’s not going, and the happy couple is getting a Swiffer Wetjet. “QR that,” she huffed.)
All this futuristic flavor stuff is driven by Coke’s bottom-line need to boost business among younger consumers who, turns out, have a freakish preference for healthy drinks like, blech, water and unfiltered juices from VEGETABLES.
Straight talk, Coke, from one (wannabe) Southern icon to one that’s “the real thing”: Don’t get above your raising.
