I asked Duh Hubby the other day how often he thinks of the Roman Empire, and he said, “I dunno. Never?” Which is exactly the response I predicted. But turns out he’s the exception. TikTok’s latest stunt isn’t dumb or deadly. All you have to do, ladies, is ask the man in your life that simple question.
The answer is, more than likely, going to surprise you. It turns out men all over the world, and especially American men, spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about the Roman Empire.
Watching the responses shared on TikTok is half the fun, especially when the answer is “Every morning when I go to the bathroom I think about how they developed the first sewer system and I’m grateful for their ingenuity.”
Huh. These are real men giving thoughtful, substantive responses to a question I would’ve thought a little ridiculous.
Remember a few years back when “they” told us men thought about sex every six seconds?
Not today’s man! He’s thinking gladiators, all things Caesar and, yes, the invention of sewers. How could sex possibly compete with all that?
None of these aspiring gladiators remembers nobody lived much past the age of 30 in those days because of violence and plagues. In other words, while hashtag gladiator life may have been romanticized in movies, it wasn’t all catcalling the vestal virgins during breaks from building the aqueducts. (Just a wild guess.)
It’s more than a little astonishing so many American men solemnly own up to a mini-obsession with the Roman Empire, citing the invention of Roman numerals for instance. I’m not sure how to feel about thoughts of sex being replaced with a curiosity about Roman numerals and calendar-making but that’s where we are apparently.
One woman on TikTok regretted asking her husband the question. He responded as if he’d been waiting his entire life for someone to just ask about the Roman Empire’s contributions to civilization. Every time he saw an artfully curved sidewalk he remembered cement was one of the many gifts from ancient Rome. And don’t get him started on the invention of the welfare system and a not inconsequential number of surgeries still performed today.
Oy.
What has happened to our menfolk?
Well, I’m glad I asked.
Historian Tom Holland’s explanation in “Time” magazine is as good as any: When these American men think of Rome they are thinking of a civilization that is both “strange and familiar, terrifying and glamorous; safely extinct and the image of themselves.”
In other words, centuries have sanitized the icky parts and left the manly men doing manly things part intact. I get that; smallpox is such a bummer.
Is it possible, I wondered, that Duh was a little embarrassed to reveal to me how often he thinks of the Roman Empire. Maybe all those times I see him deep in thought, looking wistfully into the distance, I shouldn’t just assume he’s imagining another national basketball championship for the Tarheels. No, something much deeper than that. Maybe he has been hesitant to speak his truth: “I’m sorry. I was just wondering what would’ve happened if the Visigoths hadn’t sacked Rome overthrowing the entire Western Empire. What? Yeah, sure, I’ll mow the yard today.”
Watching men who were totally unprepared for the question answer in grave tones “not infrequently,” “fairly often,” and “at least 10 times a day” has been something of a shock. It’s also, inexplicably, hilarious.
With more than a billion views so far, the “how often do you think of the Roman Empire?” question may be a TikTok record-breaker.
Of course, like all things TikTok, trends are fleeting. Today’s moment of Roman Empire introspection will be replaced by tomorrow’s “Eat a Quart of Mayonnaise and Hang Upside Down Like a Bat Challenge.” Y’all know I’m right.
