Kicking off the new year with a commitment to facts and science, Fox News recently invited a psychic to look into the future via tarot cards to see how 2024 would pan out for Donald Trump. Sure. That makes sense. What’s next? CNBC reading chicken entrails to see how the stock market’s going to perform in 2024? PBS gazing bug-eyed into fire to determine Trump’s eventual running mate?
Sadly, for Fox host Jesse Watters, (motto: “Ten percent less obnoxious than Tucker but give me time!”) things didn’t go well. Psychic Paula Roberts predicted a “sense of loss” for Trump in ’24.
“NOOOOOOOOOO!” screamed Watters who immediately curled into a fetal position and asked for his mommie.
No, he didn’t. But he was definitely concerned. When you’ve built your whole brand on kowtowing to a grifting wannabe dictator, and you see the psychic draw one card and it’s a figure in a black robe overlooking a sinister landscape…let’s just say you really wish it was a basket of kittens instead.
Watters was officially shook.
The Guardian reported he said, “Uh-oh” and this exact deep and meaningful interpretation was echoed by the psychic. “Uh-oh,” she said.
Is there anything worse than a psychic selecting your card and pronouncing “Uh-oh?”
Since Trump is a frequent viewer of Fox, it’s entirely possible he saw the scary doom card and also said “Uh-oh.”
The psychic, sensing she’d never be invited back to Fox began to back-pedal a bit but, well, once you’ve seen the bad card, it’s hard to spin. “It’s (possible) he’s thinking more about what he’s lost and not still taking advantage of what he still has.”
Oh, c’mon, Paula. Nobody likes a desperate psychic. Matters were made worse when she was asked about Biden and could only gush about his card revealing 2024 would give him “lots and lots and lots of money.”
Watters looked like he wanted to place heavy stones in Paula’s pockets, tie her up and toss her into water to see if she’d float. Witch!
Recovering quickly from this one-two punch of bad news, Watters asked the psychic how his 2024 would go.
“I see a young, dynamic, very, very bright person,” she said.
So apparently Watters is going to be replaced?
The psychic concluded by announcing Americans should expect “great happiness this year…. big, big, big, big, big happy!”
Ugh. Is there anything more depressing than a desperate AND pandering psychic? And not to be a negative Nelly here, but how could we experience so much happiness when there’s so much awfulness in the nation? And by awfulness I mean people like Iowa governor Kim Reynolds who had the witch-stones to proclaim a fatal school shooting in her state a “senseless tragedy” after signing into law a bill that allows Iowans to buy and carry firearms without a permit.
“Big, big, big, big, big happy?” Do I look stupid? Don’t answer that. We’ve got a lot of problems and division in this country, and there’s big, big, big, big, big anxiety ahead.
I don’t get psychics, palm readers etc. If they can see the future, why aren’t they all billionaires? Admittedly, the Fox guest psychic is clearly more successful than poor Mother Dora, who lived down the road from me growing up and had a big sign painted with a red palm in her scrub-pine riddled front yard.
I think Mother Dora also sold Tupperware so it was entirely possible you could sit in her modest living room and learn how many children you would have one day AND buy a nifty burp-n-seal lettuce keeper at the same time. Talk about your multitasking!
Asking a psychic to predict the nation’s future is a fun party game better suited for, say, the 10th hour of the “Today” show. Even Fox should know that.