Dear Lauren Boebert,

Cop a squat and let’s chat. First off, I get it. I was raised rural, and I know how it’s almost impossible to resist a man who spells his name exotically like your ex, Jayson. (I’m thinking “Brandin,” “Trystan” and most definitely “Jordyn.”)

Weirdly spelled boy names are a redneck girl’s catnip is all I’m saying. But girl. You can’t be having a private Sadday night dinner in a sit-down restaurant with your EX-HUSBAND because you know as well as I do he’s easy to rile. He’s got that professional wrestler neck and you can tell he’s fixin’ to go off when the veins start poppin’. So, yeah, of course he’s gonna show his tail and get arrested and have to pay a big ol’ fine that could’ve been better spent buying more guns for the grandbaby, right?

Lauren—may I call you Nutball?—things don’t work out when you date in public. I get it. You’re newly single and you’ve forgotten how people act on a date. That’s why I’ll give you a pass for that unfortunate Beetlejuice groping-and-vaping incident a few months back. But that doesn’t mean you go out with your extremely intoxicated creepy ex again! There are lots of fish in the sea! At least for now but climate change could end all that. What’s that? It’s snowing in Colorado so “global warming” is a hoax the Dems use to scare decent folk? Bless your heart.

Nutball, I know a high-profile evangelical like you can’t just hop on Hinge to find a man. Your old ride-or-die, Marjorie Taylor Greene, also recently divorced, is having a tough time of it, too. She can’t hardly go anywhere without pulling out nekkid pictures of Hunter Biden to show everybody which is a cry for help if you ask me.

It’s not just the whole dating nightmare stuff, Nutball. Now you’re complaining to anybody who will listen about how you’re being chased out of your own House district by Ryan Reynolds.

Oh, you WISH you were being chased anywhere by Ryan Reynolds. Maybe because of your current man trouble, you’re hypersensitive to a movie star donating money to your Congressional opponent. But you can’t crow about freedom and then whine about who gives money to whom on Steve Bannon’s pretend TV show. (Think Easy-Bake Oven but with Nazi undertones.) Besides, you take plenty of money from the gun lobby. That’s your right. That said, if I had to choose between taking money from the “Thoughts and Prayers” cabal or the star of “Deadpool,” pretty sure you know who I’d go with.

Also, what’s this business of running for re-election in a new district? You should remember the old saying: “Dance with the one that brung ya.” If you were really “mama grizzly” tough, you wouldn’t be chased out of your home district by Barbra Streisand’s paltry $1,500 donation to your opponent. You can’t stop talking about it and all I can think is, $1,500? She lives at Malibu! Also, she’s Barbra Streisand! Talk about cheap. That amount wouldn’t pay for the pointer finger of Babs’ legendary nail regimen!

I know your mind’s made up about running in a district less inclined to accept movie star money but, where’s your backbone? Kidding. It’s probably just tossed into the Congressional coat closet with all the others. It’d be easier to find Elon’s soul.

Your new district isn’t very excited about your big move because they don’t want all the drama.

“We just want to focus on the everyday issues that affect Coloradans,” one voter told a reporter. Adorbs, right?

Meanwhile, your ex is runnin’ around using bad grammar per usual and irritating the snot outta you.

Nutball, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you can do better. Not Ryan Reynolds better but, yeah, better.