Hey, Texas. You feeling OK? What’s that? Why do I ask? Well, because lately you’ve been acting kinda crazy, even by your standards. (Not you, Austin; go do some yoga somewhere while the grownups talk…)
Look Texas, if you’re going to secede, go ahead and do it. We know you want to break up. Just do it. Things aren’t working well anymore for you and America. I’m sorry. I know that sounds awful, but somebody has to say it because we’re all thinking it. Even Montana.
Texas, you and America had a good run but y’all are acting out and, well, we’re frankly tired of it. It’s not me, it’s you.
Admittedly, I’m not an expert on Texas. Apparently, all of someone’s exes are from there and I’m told at age 4, I was peed on from head to toe by an astonishingly rude lion at your Fort Worth Zoo. I’ve spent some tarmac time at DFW and rather enjoy the yeast rolls from your “road house.” Your chainsaw massacres? Chef’s kiss! Ditto your “Instruments” calculator and your sheet cake, which I have toted to every potluck since the ‘90s to rave reviews. I don’t know when the relationship went sour, but it didn’t help when you started insisting we don’t “mess with” you. Paranoid much? Also, your two-step looks a lot like the one from Oklahoma but I don’t wanna make you mad saying that because you’re easily riled and most likely armed. At church.
Oh, Texas. I wish things could’ve worked out between us. (Austin? Why are you here? I told you to…Oh, yoga class is over? Well head on over to the DEI rally down at the Whole Foods HQ. I’m not done yet. What? Sure, you can have some kombucha…)
Now I know what the rest of y’all are thinking: Hey! You sound like a Constitutional scholar so you should realize no state has the right to secede. That was decided a long time ago by the Civil War.
Well, yes. But Texas isn’t just any old state. For starters things are bigger there, they say. All the time.
They do things their way, like threatening to throw doctors into prison for life for performing an abortion. That’s very BIG Texas. And protecting the border? Look at the BIG Texas thinking on that. Those floating rafts of barbed wire can take out a whole migrant family while you watch! That gave the feds pause so they started removing the concertina wire but what’s this? Texas said no way. When the federal agents showed up, the Texas National Guard sent ‘em packing. I mean, honestly, who does that? A state that no longer wants to be a state, that’s who. So, here’s your hat and what’s your hurry Texas?
Gun laws? Don’t tell Texas we need any more of those. Texas actually relaxed gun laws after a spate of mass shootings with Gov. Greg Abbott (R-Slytherin) signing a law easing restrictions on where guns can be carried. Short version: Every dang where.
Texas craves independence so it’s time to rip off the Band-Aid and let ‘em go. Who’s with me?
What will happen to those guvmint-hatin’ Texans who have Medicare and Social Security? Well, the Great New Nation of Texas will figure that out someday. Maybe. In the meantime, free Texans can buy a cookbook like “Cook Armadillo 365 Ways!” (roadkill rocks!) and hit that stockpile of Ivermectin for what ails ‘em.
Roads and bridges falling apart? Texas will give you a wild horse to get around. Airports will be shut down because there won’t be any air traffic controllers or TSA workers. Maybe unemployed Ted Cruz can find a solution. He loves to travel!
What’s that Austin? Don’t fret lil dogie. You’ll be satellite-annexed to the state of your choice. That’s right. Vermont.