OK, hear me out.
From now on, we’ll decide who is president not by winning the Electoral College vote (boring!) but instead, every four years, we’ll pick the prez “Love is Blind” style. That’s right! This fall, we’ll put Biden and Trump in the reality show’s trademark “pods” and let randomly selected but freakishly attractive voters ask them questions without seeing their faces. Slight twist: The candidate who gets the most “proposals” (“Will you do me the greatest honor of my life and become my president?!?”) wins in the finale on Election Day!
Two words: Ratings gold.
I know what you’re thinking: That’s just crazy enough to work! No? That wasn’t it? Well, that’s just because you’re probably a reality show snob (“Everyone knows that stuff is all staged!”) Right. And next thing you’re going to tell me pro wrestling isn’t real.
This election season has barely begun and it’s all about appearances, not substance, which is the exact premise of “Love is Blind.” All the ageism stuff wouldn’t be a factor because outta sight, outta mind. Picture it! Trump sitting in athleisurewear on the floor in front of the pod couch, chewing flirtatiously on a pen while voters get to ask him questions without actually seeing him. The orange jokes? Nope. The too-long red tie? Not a factor. Gone would be the surface stuff that gets in the way. It would be all issues all the time as the voters drill down while eating Twizzlers and pretending to take notes in their personalized journals.
Same with Biden. Voters would be forced to see past the stiff gait and occasional stumbles walking upstairs. He’d just sit on a chair shaped like a mushroom with the show’s trademark comfy blanket casually wrapped around his shoulders, drinking a sarsaparilla from the show’s gold-colored tumblers and calling everybody “Friend.”
Let’s take a look at how it might go. We’ll keep “Love is Blind” hosts Nick and Vanessa Lachey, the celebrity power couple. You can’t quite remember why you know them, but it will come to you eventually.
Nick Lachey: “Hello and welcome to Love is Blind, Presidential Election Edition!”
Vanessa Lachey: “OK, now I’m going to talk for a really long time but basically say what Nick just said but I will use a LOT more words. Will the country find its perfect match? And will that relationship have what it takes to survive four years? Stay tuned!”
As “Love is Blind” fans well know, getting to know someone without having to look at them forces deeper discussions, although there are some phrases that are repeated to an astonishing degree. See if you can pick them out:
Voter: Can I depend on you to have a serious, workable plan to deal with the border crisis?
Candidate: “100 percent.”
Voter: “Great. Why do you say that, though?”
Candidate: “Because I feel that we have a real connection. 100 percent. Also, you’re my person.”
Voter: That doesn’t make any sense.
Candidate: “Sure it does. Sarah Anne is a #$@!&*”
Voter: “Wait. Are you just using phrases you’ve heard on the show before?”
Candidate: 100 percent
Voter: “Could you please stop saying everything is 100 percent??
Candidate: 1,000 percent. Real connection. My person.
Voter: Arrrrgh.
OK, this is sounding a little crazy now that I see it in print. It’s possible it wouldn’t even work. Although the “Love is Blind” presidential approach would lure more young voters, it might turn off the older voters. How old? Well, if you’ve ever laughed out loud when someone in their 20s said they wanted a job that offered “good work/life balance” then you’re old.
Older people vote. Older people do not watch “Love is Blind” but they do watch “CBS Sunday Morning.” Hmmm.
Obviously, this idea needs some fine-tuning. But I’m 100 percent sure it could work.