Hello. You have reached the White House switchboard. Your call is very important to us and will be answered in the order received. In order to reduce wait time, please listen carefully to the following menu as some of our options may have changed.
If you are calling because you would like to attend the President’s Military Parade and you need tickets, please press 1 now.
If you are calling to protest the president’s military parade as not only a colossal waste of $22 million but also an idea that is as dumb as a box of hair, please hang up and go sit in a corner, snowflake.
If you are calling to register your support for President Trump’s position on wife-beating habits of high level aides, please press 2 now.
If not, would you like to rethink that? Because if you look closely, only one of Colbie Holderness’s eyes was technically blackened so, clearly, she wasn’t hurt that bad. Also, Rob Porter is male and he says he didn’t do anything wrong to either wife who says he beat them up so the president believes him. Because he is male. Got it?
If you are calling to protest the president’s apparent “love, really big love” for any male accused of sexual harassment or physical abuse of a woman who is a friend or political ally of the president, please hang up. Seriously do it now. He’s coming down the hall and you know how he gets.
If you are calling to inquire about discount tickets for the Russian Tea Room, please press 5.
If you are calling because you would like to work for the Trump White House and you are male, white and, kidding, those are the only requirements…please press 6.
If you are calling because you have invented a drinking game in which you take a shot every time Sarah Huckabee Sanders answers a reporter’s question starting with the word “Look…” please know we don’t think that’s funny and you’re probably going to hell.
If you are calling because you think the president is deliberately undermining the law enforcement community he claims to revere by slandering the FBI, the Department of Justice and right on down to the extras in the jury box on “Law & Order: SVU,” please press 7. Haha. There is no 7. And now we know where you called from. Have you checked the children?
If you are Vladimir Putin and you’re unhappy with the U.S. Treasury releasing the names of more than 200 prominent Russians who could be affected by U.S. sanctions, please hold and you will be connected to the president immediately. He’s super sorry.
If you are Mike Pence, please stop calling this number. He only asked you to be veep because he was forced to appease the base by finding someone with religious street cred to counter that Access Hollywood unpleasantness. TBH, his code name for you is “bleeeccchhh.” Seriously, dude, lose this number. That goes for you, too, Christie.