Humor Columnist, Event Speaker and Author of these seven riotous reads.
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Taking Stock: Truth Social is Neither, but It Doesn’t Matter
I ran into my friend “Biff the Fi-Guy” last week and asked him to explain how a company that has steadily posted losses can get another company to merge with it, trade on the stock exchange with a new name and end up making billions of dollars for, well, Donald J. Trump.
Me: Biff, I just don’t get it. I mean I’ve looked at Truth Social from both sides now…
Biff: From up and down and still somehow?
Me: Arrrgh. Be serious, Biff. I don’t get how Trump’s failing social media company can somehow be worth billions simply by merging with a shell corporation that has been sued by some of its major shareholders.
Biff: Ah, yes. Digital World Acquisition, a corporation that doesn’t make anything or have any employees. Most shells don’t even have a dedicated office; think of it as an informal place for prospective investors to “park” money.
Me: Sorta like Satriale’s Pork Store in “The Sopranos”? Because that’s what I’m picturing. Also, the “world acquisition” part sounds a tad overlordy to me.
Biff: That’s because you’re a liberal and all of you are paranoid. No one wants to take over the world except…Uh-oh. Maybe you’re on to something here…
Me: Focus, Biff. I’m asking how can something that isn’t making money and lost $50 million last year somehow make several billion dollars for Trump right outta the gate? It’s all very smoke and mirrors to me, about as real as his made-up golf scores.
Biff: ALLEDGEDLY made-up golf scores. Nobody actually saw Eric spring from behind a tree and replace the ball Pops hit in the sand trap with one right smack on the green, just inches from the hole. For example.
Me: We’re getting off topic here. I guess I’m not sure whether Trump’s a lizard-brain genius or the whole system is so corrupt that decent, hardworking folk will never get ahead.
Biff: Well, two things can be true at the same time. Don’t go cryin’ into your fair-trade, non-GMO honey almond milk flat white. This isn’t the first time this has happened. Remember GameStop? Little game store in the mall that had a weird Blockbuster vibe? Looked like it was going under but turns out there was a cult following that rescued GameStop and punished the hedge funds hoping to feast on its carcass. So to speak.
Me: That’s some mighty vivid imagery from a fi-guy.
Biff: Hey, you’re the one who mentioned Satriale’s.
Me: OK, so you’re saying the MAGA crowd is happy to invest in all things Trump and this latest is no exception. Sure, that works for a while but it’s not sustainable, right?
Biff: You liberals. Always with the “sustainable.” Of course it’s not sustainable. But that doesn’t matter to Trump because he sells his 79 million shares and gets out of the whole thing with a huge profit! Ain’t America great?
Me: Wow. A money-losing social media company with a fraction of the market ends up making billions for…nothing at all. At least with those Trump NFTs with digital “art” depicting him dressed like a ripped space warrior or those sad gold-colored sneakers you got…OK, again, nothing at all.
Biff: Hey, stop being so judgy. You wanna talk crazy? How about these “influencers” that make big money just sittin’ in their cars slopping down sub sandwiches and telling you which one has the best mayo.
Me: I know. I still haven’t figured out how somebody gets rich by asking folks on the street where they got their clothes. It just doesn’t seem like a real job, right?
Biff: Hmmm? Oh, yeah. Hey, does this tie go with my steering wheel? I’m going to do a tight 20 on the Shamrock Shake for my Insta so we need to wrap this up. If you can’t beat ‘em…”
