Did nobody tell Ron DeSantis we are living in the era of the “Short King”? Is there no Minister of Pop Culture in his presidential campaign organization to explain short men, for the past 18 months or so, are enjoying a moment? No need to (allegedly) wear elaborate lifts in your cowboy boots to appear taller, Guv’ner. Short is IN. Yes, historically taller candidates win but you’ve got that winning personality! OK, never mind.
I realize how shallow it is to speculate seriously on the footwear worn by someone running for the highest office in the land but that’s where we are. The world is in disarray and our brains crave a silly distraction. Who better to fulfill that than Ron DeSantis?
We’ve been all about his footwear since DeSantis confidently debuted those white go-go boots whilst surveying hurricane damage a year ago. Sure, the boots had a “Payless end cap” vibe to them but who am I to judge? Ha! Have we met?
But it wasn’t just the alarming bright white of the boots that drew attention. Somebody, OK, all of us, noticed DeSantis appeared taller, if a trifle unsteady, as he strutted about the debris.
As a huge fan of boots, I get it. Most women know if you wear a higher heel, you instantly feel thinner because physics. It’s even better in boots. So it is with Ron DeSantis, whose whole demeanor changed once he shimmied into those plasticene pretties. Shoulders back, head high, oh, yeah, baby. If he was a woman, he’d know you always buy at least two pairs of the shoes you love the best. Ironically, the drag queens he demonizes daily could give him such wonderful advice for making all that (counterclockwise big circles in the air while looking at him) work.
While the white boots were ah-mazing, everyone in the South knows you shouldn’t wear white after Labor Day (except during hurricane clean up when we tend to wear Spongebob dorm pants and something we caught from a T-shirt gun a decade ago.)
So when fall campaign season arrived, DeSantis embraced…cowboy boots! Bespoke cowboy boots that peek out from under his solemn suits in the jarring manner of a mullet hairstyle when one discovers to their shock that in fact business is being conducted in the front while a party rages in the back! So it is with DeSantis’ boots, which appear normal until you notice the court jester curl of the toe box. The upward swoop of the toe area is so prominent it practically begs for the application of festive jingle bells.
And with the holidays approaching, DeSantis should truly give that some serious consideration.
Is it just me or is it hard to take him seriously when he says things like “We’re going to start slitting the throats” of federal bureaucrats with those jester boots on?
Slitting throats? Mighty tough talk from someone who looks like he’s gotta make the king laugh before he can have his roasted swan pie.
These boots, unfortunately for DeSantis, are made for gawkin’. Try it. You can’t look away from the odd wrinkle on top, indicating an, ahem, elevated ankle. Or the knot coming from the joint at the base of DeSantis’ big toe sticking out. So said bootmakers quoted in a fascinating and unbelievably detailed breakdown in “Politico.”
Their comments are very boot insider with a Zapruder film attention to detail that makes me think somewhere there’s a room at Politico with a red-yarned timeline of DeSantis’ heel heights through the ages. Which, to be clear, I am completely down with.
The bigger question is why DeSantis is so concerned about appearing taller than his somewhere between 5’9 and 5’11. Being a big man isn’t about height or hand size. It’s a shame a guy who went to Harvard and Yale doesn’t know that.